Words to??

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage and values.
Fred said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
John replied, "I'm not sure.  What was her maiden name?"

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"
The father replied; "Well son, you must have got if from your mother, because
I still have mine".

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try parachute jumping.

Two wrongs don't make a right...But three lefts do!

Question:
How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around The corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question.
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife
out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message
Does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a
happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends
for a few days and try to come to consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver
Tips??"

There is a factory in America, which makes the
"Tickle Me Elmo" toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A
new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she
reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is
a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the
door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that
she is incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up, putting the
entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he
should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory
floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are
Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to
pileup. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag
of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little
piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully
sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager
bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he
pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to
her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 

Father-Daughter Talk

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was
for distribution of all wealth.

She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican
which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his
beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich & the addition of
more government welfare programs. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in and the occasional chat with a professor she felt that for
years her father had obviously harbored an evil, even selfish desire to
keep what he thought should be his.

The self professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth and she indicated so to her father.

He stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She
answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it
was tough to maintain. That she studied all the time, never had time to go
out and party like other people she knew.

She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of spending all her time studying.

That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your good friend Mary doing?"

She replied, "Mary is barely getting by." She continued, "She barely has a
2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never
studies." "But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a
blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even
show up for classes because she is too hung over."

Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to your friend who
only has a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and
certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by her father's suggestion angrily fired back,
"That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and
Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said,
"Welcome to the Republican Party"
 

Sunday Fun - Marty
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open
his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a
glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and
sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home
after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast in on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

 

THE PANTS
Mike was going to be married to Sheila, so his father sat
him down for a little fireside chat........
He says, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our
honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and
told her to put them on. So she did, and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
So I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will."
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon,
Mike takes off his pants and says to Sheila, "Here try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they definitely don't fit me."
So Mike says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will,
and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Sheila takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says, "Here you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."
So Sheila says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will!"
 

Last wish
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady,
a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days
were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything
was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's
undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk)
to make the proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted
the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
"BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk
went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested,
it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected
was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's
final request, considering the very limited space available on the
small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma.
But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up
with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved,
and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED"